JESSICA:
I PICKED KANSAS TO WIN, YOU FAT WHORE!

LAUREN:
No you did NOT pick Kansas. Look, you picked Kentucky.

JESSICA:
OH, FINE, YOU... lovely, skinny whore. Um, sorry.

HEATHER:
(in a consoling tone)
That's a good pick. I almost picked that, actually. Don't feel bad about it.

LAUREN:
Holy shit! It's a one-point game! Holy shit!

CARRIE:
Wait, so Heather, you picked Maryland?

HEATHER:
Yes, unfuckingfortunately. God DAMMIT. Bitches! What a bunch of knobholes.

LAUREN:
I suddenly feel so great. This was a great pick.

HEATHER:
GET THAT REBOUND! God dammit, what is that?

LAUREN:
WOOOO, two for my team! Wilmington rules.

HEATHER:
They let UNC-Assington score?!?!? What the HELL is this? I am LOSING!

LAUREN:
What an upset! This rocks! We're up by one!

HEATHER:
Mother of suck!

CARRIE:
Is this going to get ugly?

HEATHER:
Time is running out, asswipes. FOUL THAT MAN, you suckmaggots!

LAUREN:
Oh shit, oh shit, come ON. Okay, they fouled him. Hit your shot, lovebone! This is AWESOME! I can't believe I'm going to win this game!

HEATHER:
Aaaaaaaah, he bricked it! He bricked it!

LAUREN:
GET THAT GODDAMN REBOUND! They didn't! This is CRAPPY. I can't believe I might lose this game.

CARRIE:
You're still up by one.

HEATHER:
But there's only three seconds left. This is never going to happen. There's not enough time. COME ON, MARYLAND.

LAUREN:
DON'T LET THEM SCORE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

CARRIE:
Oh my God. He's going to shoot.

HEATHER:
Oh my GOD, that's the three-point line. SHOOOOOOOOT!

LAUREN:
He's not going to do it! There's only one second left!

HEATHER:
Oh, YEAH, baby, that was beautiful! I can't believe that happened! Oh YEAH.

HEATHER:
It's the "Suck on THAT, biznitches" Patch.

CARRIE:
Oh, right. I misread the subtle differences.

LAUREN:
Those assholes. I truly hate people. God, I don't know if I can go through that again.

JESSICA:
Um, I sort of need Wisconsin to win, actually.

LAUREN:
BLOCK THE SHOT, DICKSMACK!

HEATHER:
Oooh, two for Wisconsin.

LAUREN:
OH COME ON, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, YOU COCKSUCKERS? JESUS CHRIST, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE THEM THE BALL AND WALK AWAY?

JESSICA:
Um... yay, though, also.

HEATHER:
"Tulsa" backwards is "a slut."

LAUREN:
Are you implying something?

HEATHER:
No. I'm frightened.

JESSICA:
Oh, dammit. Tulsa just scored.

LAUREN:
YES! NICE! Okay, we're back. There's only 48 seconds left. Now PLAY SOME DEFENSE, whores!

HEATHER:
This isn't going to happen. There's not enough time left. We're down to 12 seconds.

JESSICA:
This stinks.

LAUREN:
YES! All my Sweet Sixteen teams are still alive! YES!

JESSICA:
Yes! Sweet JESUS, thank you!

HEATHER:
Holy shit, that's the second time this has happened to Lauren in two days.

LAUREN:
THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME.

JESSICA:
Wisconsin wins! YES. I so needed that.

LAUREN:
THAT WAS A HUGE FUCKING PILE OF SHIT, people! SHIT! IN A PILE!

JESSICA:
Except, yay!

LAUREN:
PUT THE FUCKING BALL IN THE BASKET, SUCKASSES!

JESSICA:
Holy shit, I can't believe how much this sucks.

HEATHER:
This is so sad. This would be the third major problem for Lauren in two days. She might actually pass out in a second.

DAN:
That's tragic.

HEATHER:
Seriously, she just stood up to scream and almost fell over.

LAUREN:
I canNOT deal with this. What is fucking WRONG with Arizona?

DAN:
Wow, I could totally hear that.

HEATHER:
I'm a little worried about how Lauren's coping with all this. She's taking it kind of personally, like God hates her or something.

LAUREN:
Herpes, I can handle. Fine. But three last-second losses in the tournament is crossing the FUCKING line.

JESSICA:
I'm going to cry, if I don't die first.

HEATHER:
Wait, come back, they're starting again. (To Dan) Lauren almost heaved herself off the balcony in protest.

JESSICA:
I would have grabbed her ankles... so that she'd take me over with her. This FUCKING BITES.

LAUREN:
OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT, YOU FUCKS?

HEATHER:
(To Dan)
Lauren is displeased with the quality of that shot.

DAN:
Yeah, I heard her! Is your phone that good?

HEATHER:
No, my roommate is that filed with murderous rage.

LAUREN:
THEY FUCKING DID IT AGAIN! WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK SHIT BASKETBALL IS THIS? SHIT! I CAN'T SEE! SHIT!

HEATHER:
(To Dan)
Lauren feels that the last play was deficient.

DAN:
Gonzaga's going to shoot a three-pointer to get to double-overtime.

HEATHER:
Dan wants you to know that he called that shot, and he rules.

LAUREN:
He rules THE ASS OF HELL, that bitch!

HEATHER:
Um, Dan, Lauren says... you're pretty.

DAN:
No, what did she really say?

HEATHER:
Er, Lauren wants you to know that, while she appreciates your prescience, she thinks your opinion of your skills is greatly inflated.

DAN:
What?

HEATHER:
You rule only the thorny, odorous underbelly of Satan's bum, more or less.

DAN:
Okay, that's more what I expected.

HEATHER:
She's sitting on the couch covering her face with a pillow.

DAN:
Take a picture of that. I need to see that picture.

HEATHER:
Hee. That picture would look great

LAUREN:
(Flips me off with angry eyes) It would look like THIS!

LAUREN:
I can't breathe. (Curls up on the carpet) I can't breathe.

HEATHER:
(To Dan)
There is a fetus on my floor.

DAN:
What was what?

HEATHER:
Lauren went fetal.

DAN:
Is she still in danger of exploding?

HEATHER:
Let's put it this way: Her shirt is pink, and right now her face matches it.

JESSICA:
(Joining Lauren on the floor)
Maybe if we genuflect, like the TV is Mecca or something.

LAUREN:
(Sitting up brightly)
You mean we should bow down and chant?

JESSICA:
YES. That's BRILL, because that's GOT to have some pull with some higher power out there.

HEATHER:
I wonder how God is doing in his pool. I bet he picked Notre Dame to win, unlike those suckmonkeys at Sports Illustrated.

LAUREN:
OH MY GOD.

JESSICA:
Five seconds left! We're going to win! We're going to win!

LAUREN:
OHFUCKSHITPANTSBALLSDAMNCRAPSHIT! Don't let them shoot! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

HEATHER:
He missed it! Why did he go for the three when all he needed was two? What an idiot!

DAN:
That guy had a clean pass for an easy lay-up, too. Oh, he is a sad, sad guy.

LAUREN:
YES! WE WIN! THAT GUY IS NEVER GETTING LAID AGAIN! WE WIN! WIIIIIIIIN.

JESSICA:
I need a massage. I can't move.

HEATHER:
I need to go. Lauren and Jessica need to be placed back on the couch. They're weak.

DAN:
I'll pray for an end to the close games.

HEATHER:
Thank you, or else we might have real casualties.