LAUREN:
Yeah, because Heather's too drunk to actually drunk-dial anyone, which is fun because I'm not drunker than she is. I am drunk. But not drunker, or drunkest.

HEATHER:
(staggering into her bedroom)
TIME FOR MY PILL! I HAVE TO CONTROL MY BIRTH!

LAUREN:
(Into the phone)
Hi, Jessica's machine, this is Lauren. We're all very drunk, and yet somehow, I'm not the drunkest person here. Heather is a lot drunker than I am, which never happens, because I always get the drunkest, but I'm not the drunkest now. I'm the second-drunkest. I'm drunk, see. But Heather? She's drunk.

HEATHER:
I HAVE NOW CONTROLLED MY BIRTH. WHEN JESSICA AND I MAKE MAD PASSIONATE LOVE IN TEN MINUTES, I WILL NOT BE IMPREGNATED.

JESSICA:
That's so good to know. Thank you.

LAUREN:
(still to Jessica's machine)
I hope that you get home okay. I would not, if I was you, because when drunk one is not supposed to operate heavy machinery.

HEATHER:
OR FORKLIFTS! DON'T FORGET FORKLIFTS!

JESSICA:
Never forget.

LAUREN:
I bet you feel as fantastic as you look.

HEATHER:
Will you beat me about the head with the Hawk Chair until such time as my head rolls off my shoulders and separates me from life with this nausea?

LAUREN:
Again?

HEATHER:
Death would be sweet release. Drinking killed me. I actually just died right there on the floor of my bathroom after I threw up that strawberry.

LAUREN:
Oh no!

HEATHER:
And by the way? Never eat a strawberry if you're going to drink as much as I did. Because that's just a scary thing to see again later.

LAUREN:
It's a good thing that the concept of "too much information" is not a factor in our relationship.

HEATHER:
Well, if it was, then last night would've been radically different.

LAUREN:
Didn't we spend an hour talking about sex?

HEATHER:
More like, did we spend even a second not talking about sex?

LAUREN:
We really need to go to some bars that are more heavily populated with straight men. Because we can't keep abusing our friends.

HEATHER:
We rubbed Blofeld's stomach. A lot.

LAUREN:
That's not all you did.

HEATHER:
Eh?

LAUREN:
Remember when you put your tongue in his mouth?

HEATHER:
Oh my GOD, I put my tongue in his mouth! Holy shit. Why did I do that?

LAUREN:
I don't know, but it was after we were licking his nipples.

HEATHER:
Oh my GOD, I licked his nipples.

LAUREN:
Jessica tugged at his nipple ring. After she bit his nipple.

HEATHER:
How do you suppose he felt when we mauled his torso? Do you think he sat there and observed, "Thank God! It's my birthday and three girls I barely know are eating me! It's the perfect day!"?

LAUREN:
He did look a little surprised. And amused. And, um, alarmed.

HEATHER:
Do you see what happens? I'm gone and you're all cerebral and normal and relaxed and living the life of a perfectly respectable person with respectable ways to have fun. I come back, and we drink until our vision is blurry and violate an innocent and righteous man in leather pants.

LAUREN:
What is wrong with us? Are we that horny? Although the pants were spectacular. I grabbed that poor man's ass a lot. He has a great ass.

HEATHER:
I don't know what happened to me. How did I get that drunk?

LAUREN:
From the drinking, I suspect.

HEATHER:
You might be right. Hell, I'm going to have to swear off alcohol again now. I will never drink again, ever. For two days.