I did it. I wrote it and I sent it.

For ages now, I've wanted to revisit with Doug the whole topic of what's really going on between us. I kept pushing my target dates away, for various reasons that were both completely logical and complete excuses. My latest was that I should wait for the stress of the LSAT to wash off before bringing up this awkwardness again; in truth, I do think that was the right decision and the considerate one, but even so I still found myself coming up with new ways to avoid it: We haven't seen each other in a while, he's due to get the LSAT scores back soon, Mercury's in retrograde, the Yankees are playing, my thumbnail chipped...

So today, I sat down and I sent him an e-mail explaining how odd it's felt to be in this relationship, and asking if he felt the same way. I was pretty good, I think, about assuming some of the blame for this so that he didn't feel like I was attacking him from a holier-than-thou position. I probably put too much of it on myself, which is a failing of mine when it comes to confrontation, but who knows. We shall see. I explained that, at the heart of it, this comes down to whether we can still make each other happy. I stressed -- probably to extremes -- that this isn't about marriage, because it isn't, and I want to be absolutely sure that's clear because of how squiffy he got last time the "M" word came up. I really didn't want him to misinterpret this as a "when's the next step" missive, when in actuality it is a letter designed to make sure we're even still walking side-by-side.

So, we'll see what he says, see when he replies, see if he replies. I made it clear I didn't expect anything right away. I want him to chew on this. It was long past time to bring this up again, because it's been unhealthy for my mental state to keep attempting to read his mind, to anticipate, to be something I'm not in the hopes that that will turn out to be what he wants.

Mostly, though, I'm scared he'll read the damn thing and write it off to my insecurities, because I've suspected that sometimes he thinks I'm a weak person and I desperately don't want that theory confirmed. Yeah, I have failings. Yeah, I have self-esteem issues. But when all his e-mails end with "Until then... Doug" and none of our phone calls invoke the "I love you" that would've soothed my anxious soul a long time ago, well, that's legitimate cause for concern, because things haven't always been that way. Something has to have changed, because this historically has not been a guy that has trouble expressing love for me and to me. I have to stand by my gut feelings. I have to stand my ground. I have to realize that it's okay to have these feelings of doubt and uncertainty, and that I shouldn't apologize for them.

Hopefully, this resolve -- which I've made so many times -- will stick when this all blows up.

Maybe it won't blow up. Maybe this is exactly what he needed to hear from me, and it'll send us somewhere better than where we have ever been before.

It's a waiting game now.