Earlier today, as I innocently went about my day of looking extremely pure and clean and lilywhite and chaste, an instant message from Jessica popped up that contained only this link.

Essentially, the person who placed that ad is offering to give away a Toyota Corolla of unspecified age in exchange for two hours of sex. The buyer must be female and white and in possession of a nice ass. The most attractive respondent will be contacted for a discreet rendezvous, at which presumably sexual gratification will occur and various papers will be signed on the dotted line.

Jessica, I happen to know, has been toying with the idea of buying a new car.

HEATHER: So you're going to do it, right?

JESSICA: HELL YES. I am sending him a picture of my ass RIGHT NOW

HEATHER: AWESOME. That is incredibly funny. ... But, is that even, strictly speaking, legal?

JESSICA: I don't know. It seems like it's sort of prostitution, doesn't it?

JESSICA: "two hours of sexual pleasure." What if you're not that good in bed? "Well, that was pleasurable for an hour and a half. I'm sorry! No deal."

HEATHER: What if his erection can't withstand it? What then?

HEATHER: Or can he accept it in bursts?

JESSICA: Seriously. What if you're TOO hot in bed? And he only lasts, say, 15 minutes?

HEATHER: "That was ten minutes. You have 1 hour, 50 minutes of sexual credit left." It�s like a Gap gift card, but concerning a vastly different gap.

JESSICA: Hee. "Please insert penis now."

JESSICA: I think he must mean two hours, total. "Okay, buddy, you're on the clock here. Really...get set....GO!"

HEATHER: I would think that's some serious sexual pressure on his part.

HEATHER: And, what does "pleasure" include? If he gets a boner from you giving hm a 45-minute lapdance, does that count? Or is it two hours of genital action?

JESSICA: Seriously! Who can work in those conditions?

JESSICA: I think it's GOT to be genital action

JESSICA: I think you could start with the lap dance, though

JESSICA: to kill some time

JESSICA: to run down the clock, so to speak

HEATHER: Run down the COCK.

HEATHER: These parameters must be worked out in advance.

HEATHER: "The buyer, hereafter be referred to as FEMALE, is expected to spend no less than seventy-five percent of the two hours engaged in genital stimulation with the seller, hereafter referred to as EROTIC LOVE BARON. Breach of these terms results in an additional fifteen minutes of genital engagement, per violation."

HEATHER: "FEMALE may provide lap dances and stripping services, but only insofar as they comply with the above stipulation. If FEMALE gives a lap dance that rubs or bumps EROTIC LOVE BARON'S genitalia, it counts as 'sexual pleasure' for -- and not exceeding -- fifteen minutes."

JESSICA: hee hee.

JESSICA: "The 'sexual pleasure' session must culminate in climax for EROTIC LOVE BARON or this contract may be considered null and void."

HEATHER: "EROTIC LOVE BARON reserves the right to demand as many sexual climaxes as he sees fit, and, in the event of a flaccid penis or other biological misfortunes that prevent ejaculation, EROTIC LOVE BARON reserves the right to retain FEMALE for as many sessions of sexual pleasure as add up to two hours."

JESSICA: "EROTIC LOVE BARON reserves the right to self-medicate in cases of erectile dysfunction, should such malfunction occur. FEMALE is herewith prohibited from the following reactions to aforementioned self-medication: eye-rolling, groaning, snickering, giggling, snorting in a derisive or sarcastic manner, and/or sneering."

HEATHER: �FEMALE will be required to perform an additional five minutes of sexual service for every instance in which moans �God,� �Baby,� or another moniker other than that of EROTIC LOVE BARON. However, EROTIC LOVE BARON will not be punished for calling out whatever labels he sees fit, including but not limited to, �RuPaul,� �Sweet Fucking Love Cake,� �Mother,� and �Nipsy.��

JESSICA: "FEMALE may be requested to wear one or more of the following: silk stockings, garter belts and/or merry widows, eye patch, cowboy hat, nipple claps, chaps, and a tee shirt reading 'Culver Automotive Starts My Engine.' Failure to comply with this request may result in an addition five to fifteen minutes of sexual service."

HEATHER: "FEMALE should arrive fully limber and well-versed in sexual positions, such that she might service EROTIC LOVE BARON in the manner of his choosing. The details of said positions are established at the carnal whims of EROTIC LOVE BARON; as such, FEMALE is required to bring her own knee pads and supportive pillows as needed, for such trappings will not be provided and any and all delays will result in sexual service penalties."

JESSICA: "Likewise, FEMALE is required herewith to full any and all contraceptive needs that may arise over the course of the contract, including condoms and a selection of commercial, non-petroleum-based lubricants. FEMALE is heretowith informed that EROTIC LOVE BARON is allergic to bananas and artificial banana flavoring. Should FEMALE provide non-petroleum-based lubricant with a natural or artifical banana flavor and/or smell, this contract will be rendered null and void and FEMALE will be liable for any and all medical bills, including transportation to and from the nearest hospital or trauma room."

HEATHER: �FEMALE will be expected to perform an array of tricks with the promised hot ass, hereafter referred to as PROMISED HOT ASS. Tricks shall be devised and delineated by EROTIC LOVE BARON and may include performance of one-act plays, the balancing of bizarre household objects on one or more buttocks of PROMISED HOT ASS, impromptu games of Pictionary, and stern spankings with a hand, foot, kitchen spatula, couch pillow, pet cat, or any like object.�

JESSICA: "Likewise, EROTIC LOVE BARON may or may not required the use of PROMISED HOT ASS as a table appropriate for the following: tea, pizza (hot or cold), lines of cocaine or cocaine-based substances."

HEATHER: "FEMALE may be expected to employ a certain apparatus, hereafter referred to as POLYNESIAN FUCK SWING. Time required to master the positioning in and operation of POLYNESIAN FUCK SWING does not subtract from the two-hour sexual pleasure requirement; nor shall any time required to position either EROTIC LOVE BARON or his trusty sidekick -- hereafter referred to as THAT GOAT MY MOM BOUGHT ME WHEN I TURNED FIVE. Though FEMALE is not required to interact with THAT GOAT MY MOM BOUGHT ME WHEN I TURNED FIVE, she is at the whim of the EROTIC LOVE BARON and therefore must wait if he chooses to release some sexual energy in that manner, and that shall not count against the two-hour debt. in addition, with regard to the legality of EROTIC LOVE BARON'S choice of acts with THAT GOAT MY MOM BOUGHT ME WHEN I TURNED FIVE, FEMALE is bound by a gag order -- and, relatedly, may at times be bound and gagged.

JESSICA: "FEMALE is hereby informed that in addition to THAT GOAT MY MOM BOUGHT ME WHEN I TURNED FIVE, she may at one or another point in the two-hour sexual debt be joined by MY ROOMMATE ARCHIBALD. FEMALE will not be permitted to touch, speak to or reference MY ROOMMATE ARCHIBALD at any point in the evening."

HEATHER: "Any and all eye contact made by FEMALE with MY ROOMMATE ARCHIBALD, either directly or through the lens of his video camera that he assures me will not be turned on even if it is held up to his face and he appears to be peering through it, will result in a twenty-minute penalty added to the sexual debt. FEMALE is advised that MY ROOMMATE ARCHIBALD is an albino, and very sensitive about it, and is prone to fits of rage when observed directly by a member of the opposite sex. EROTIC LOVE BARON is in no way responsible for the consequences of FEMALE disobeying the aforementioned rule."

JESSICA: "In the highly unlikely case that a MY ROOMMATE ARCHIBALD production consisting wholly or in part of footage of the payment of the two hour sexual debt between EROTIC LOVE BARON and FEMALE should appear on the internet, FEMALE is heretowith informed that she has no legal grounds to sue for invasion of privacy or any other legal precedent. FEMALE's signature below will act as release for all audio and visual representation of FEMALE."

HEATHER: "FEMALE will not be allowed protective eyewear, masks, or anything else that conceals FEMALE'S head and facial features or renders her unrecognizable, as such accessories will be considered a detriment to the sexual experience and may delay or even halt the process of ejaculation. FEMALE'S signature below acts as confirmation that FEMALE both understands the aforementioned proviso and agrees that EROTIC LOVE BARON in no way guarantees that the mirrors in his bedroom are one-way."

JESSICA: "Please note that any and all eye-patches provided by EROTIC LOVE BARON during the course of sexual play are exempt from the above proviso.�

HEATHER: "FEMALE is expected to be fluent in the language of sexual conduct, and any reservations of timidity in expressing with clarity, gusto, and multisyllabic hunger the various attributes of EROTIC LOVE BARON will elicit a fifteen-minute sexual penalty. However, any and all references to the QUANTITY or of EROTIC LOVE BARON'S testicles (three), botched circumcisions (four), uncut fingernails (from two to nine, day-of-the-week depending) and nipples (one; ergo, this includes statements like, �Your nipple is hard� or �EROTIC LOVE BARON, I�m going to pinch your nipple until you weep like a naughty little school girl�), are punishable by a half-hour in the POLYNESIAN FUCK SWING with a professional torture master, hereafter referred to as MY DRUNK PEG-LEGGED STEPDAD. That penalty does not count against the two-hour sexual debt and will be repeated with a longer duration for each subsequent violation of this stipulation."

JESSICA: I�m going to contact him immediately.

HEATHER: Cool. Happy fuck-swinging.

I wonder if we should let the Toyota Corolla people know about this situation. Could be quite an ad campaign � �How much sexual degradation would you endure for a free Toyota?�