Ever since Jessica and I decided to change her middle name so that her initials could be "JEM," I have periodically looked for stupid -- by which I mean "brilliant" -- JEM trivia to instant-message her during the boring workdays.

It got a little out of hand today.

Heather: I just found the best web site ever. I am CRYING. It is lyrics to all of Jem's songs.
Jessica: GET OUT
Heather: This one is special. It's called "Braodway Magic":

"Frantic rehearsals, opening night
Strike up the band, bring up the lights
A little Broadway magic tonight

"Broadway magic, finger snappin'
Broadway magic, toe tappin'
Broadway magic

"Singers and dancers, steppin' in time
Music you hum, lyrics that rhyme [that line's my fave]
A little Broadway magic tonight."

Jessica: That's really ROCK N ROLL
Heather: Jem is an adrenalin junkie, it seems. Check out, "It's Fun To Be Scared":

"A little fright can be alright
A sudden chill will give you a thrill
A spooky night can be dynamite
It's fun to be scared

"It's fun to be scared, oh oh
It's fun to be scared, hey hey
It's fun to be scared, oh no
It's fun to be scared."

Jessica: OH MY GOS
Jessica: AND GOD
Jessica: THAT IS BAD
Heather: She had a lot of fucking songs! Jem was prolific!
Heather: And she was also The Little Angel Clown Who That Cries. Check it out:

"Who do I turn to when I'm feeling sad
Whether I'm happy, angry or sad

"It's you dear diary
It's true dear diary
It's you dear diary
You set me free."

Jessica: Isn't that a Britney song?
Heather: What the fuck business does Jem have with a song called, "Aztec Enchantment"?
Jessica: Hahahahaha
Heather: Did she go to Mexico?

"The pyramids that touch the skies
What a fantasy
It's Aztec enchantment
Whenever you're with me."

Jessica: What?
Heather: Methinks Jem got a writer who fancied him or herself a bit cerebral
Jessica: I hope there's a bit with ritual sacrifices
Heather: What the � What IS this?
Heather:

"Jazz has the sound of St. Louis Blues
Yes jazz has razza matazz
Jazz gets you tappin', tappin' your shoes
That's what jazz has

"Jazz has the wail of the saxophone
Yes jazz has, dixie pizzazz
Sounds of the night, funky and light
That's what jazz has

"Jazz makes music come alive
Jazz is gonna survive
Jazz has the power to comfort you
Yes, it has all of the jazz
Jazz gets you tappin', tappin' your shoes
That's what jazz has."

Jessica: jazz IS going to survive
Heather: Oh lordy. They just keep getting better, and worse.

"It's a star spangled fantasy
See the motorcade
It's a star spangled fantasy
History is being made
Rockets blazing in the sky
Razzling, dazzling to the eye
It's a star spangled fantasy
And the star is you know who."

Heather: I can't stop! I am hooked on Jem.
Jessica: These are horrible
Heather: God, she also had a vindictive streak.

"I'm gonna hunt you down, whatever it takes
I'm gonna hunt you down, make no mistake
I'll find where you are
You won't get very far
I'm gonna hunt you down, I'm hot on your trail
I'm gonna hunt you down (I'm gonna hunt you down)

"I never fail, I bag all my prey
You'll never get away
You're in sorry shape
There's no chance you'll escape
I'm right on your track
Hey where you goin' (come back)."

Jessica: That's scary
Heather: It's so fantastic.
Jessica: It's like Every Breath You Take, but bad.
Jessica: Those songs are truly outrageous
Heather: That song is like, "I'M GON' KILL YOU, BIIIIITCH (come back!)"
Jessica: Or its sequel, "Bitch, I'm a kill you (where are you going?)"
Heather: PREPARE TO BE AMAZED.
Heather: "Let Me Take You To The Mardi Gras"

"Let me take you to the Mardi Gras, ba la la la la la
There's romance and adventure there
Music and laughter everywhere
You don't wanna miss the Mardi Gras, tra la la la la la
It's an endless game, a grand charade
Melody makers on parade

"Come partake in the celebration
Round every corner is a new sensation
Join in the fun
Come take part
Who's to say
You may lose your heart."

Heather: Who IS to say, really?
Jessica: I like the rhyme of "la" and "gras"
Heather: It's so WELL DONE. Nuanced.
Heather: Also, clearly Jem has never been to Mardi Gras.
Jessica: Or there would be more songs about boobies
Heather: Ha ha...
Heather: That's why I'm here.
Let me take you to the Mardi Gras, ba la la la la la
There's breasts and bead strings there
Flesh and nipples everywhere
You don't wanna miss the Mardi Gras, tra la la la la la
It's an endless orgy, a strip charade
Drunken hobags on parade
Jessica: YOU ARE A GENIUS
Heather: Jem is the genius.
It's a star spangled fantasy
See my "motorcade"
It's a star spangled fantasy
Sweet lovin' is being made
Crotch snakes blazing as I lie
Shooting, spewing in your eye
It's a star spangled fantasy
And the star is you know who
Heather: "Porn goddess, it's YOU!"
Jessica: That is beautiful
Jessica: You are a poet
Jessica: The likes of which the world has never seen
Heather: "I Love A Scandal":

"Scandal, I love a scandal
(A juicy, juicy scandal)
Wherever it is, I'll track it down
And spread it to everyone in town
(A juicy, juicy scandal)."

Heather: I don't think that one needs altering.
Heather: If by "scandal" she means "STD"
Jessica: Ha ha ha!
Heather: Okay, now she's just getting blatant about it:

"I like livin' a life that's free and easy
Free and easy as A, B, C
Hard work, it ain't my speed
The only thing I need
Is a life that's

"Free and easy (free and easy)
Free and easy (free and easy)

"Nothing bothers me, I'm free and easy
Free and easy as one, two, three
I think it's a blast to play loose and fast
Takin' each day being

"Free and easy (free and easy)
Free and easy (free and easy)."

Jessica: That's about whores
Heather: I like livin' a life that's free and easy� Free and easy as S, T, D� Chastity, it ain't my speed�
Heather: See? You were right. Whores.
Heather: I didn't know Jem liked hookers so much.
Jessica: Me either.
Jessica: No wonder my mom wouldn't let me watch it
Heather: "Honey, those holograms... they are hookers. Jem is their pimp."
Heather: "That show was about rival whores stealing each others' street corners."
Jessica: I would have really enjoyed that
Heather: Gives new meaning to the theme song line, "Me and my friends are Jem girls."
Jessica: I remember having a fight with someone over which was superior, Barbie or Jem.
Jessica: I backed Barbie
Heather: Hmm. Now that you know Jem is a balls-out brothel queen, you might choose differently.
Jessica: Exactly my thought
Heather: The revised "Jem Theme":

Jem (Jem is excitement) oh
Jem (Jem is for pleasure) oh
Tight skirts and turned tricks
She's on the game

Jem (Jem is truly outrageous)
(Truly, truly, truly rapacious)
Oh whoa Jem (Jem)
The diseases, contagious (hellacious)
Jem is my name
No one else is the same
Jem is my name

But we're the Misfits
Our tang is better
We are the Misfits, the Misfits
And we're gonna get her

Jem is my name
No one's game is the same
Jem is my name!"
Heather: And suddenly, the concept of spirit fingers has taken on a new connotation.
Jessica: Hee. "tang."
Heather: I know. I should be ashamed.
Heather: tang is "gnat" backwards
Jessica: also, "gant"
Jessica: which isn't a word
Heather: nor is t-nag, but it's there, too
Heather: That's your new nickname
Heather: "What up, T-Nag? Rap it, homeslice."
Jessica: "T-Nag" sounds like a pain in the ass robotic girlfriend
Heather: Seriously. "My T-Nag is riding me to fix the toilet."
Jessica: "Hang on. I have to call T-Nag. It's after nine."
Heather: It's a step below "Beyonce," which in addition to being the ho-child's name, is a contraction of "Bitch-Fiance."
Jessica: Ha!
Heather: "My Beyonce wants me home by ten."
Jessica: "I hate my Beyonce. Why did that condom break? WHY?"
Heather: "Now my Beyonce's havin' a T-Nag." Oops, I redefined our slang.
Jessica: No oops.
Jessica: I think this is an entry.
Heather: You think?
Jessica: No.
Heather: Me neither.

Someone got here by searching for: My job at pier 1 imports Drinking: Strongbow cider, on tap at the Cat & Fiddle on Sunset. I'm so happy. Despite the headache. Watching: The 24 finale

This entry as a poem:
Dancing First Birthday
like a new sensation
Join in the rhyme of the space below
and nipples everywhere
You get away in addition
to be more songs about
Me like a sudden chill will give you
Crotch snakes blazing as bad. Jessica: sounds
like the Mardi Gras. stop! I
decided to say really?
Jessica: No.
chance escape right on your heart.
Heather: Honey, those
songs like KILLyou down
gonna survive Jazz IS track
Hey hey hey where are
You, Yes, jazz gets
You, to say You might
choose differently.
Drunken hobags on the
space below Beyonce.
Jessica: Ha!
Heather: Andeasy free and she means STD
Jessica: like a life free and easy.
Jem Jem is special.
Jessica: also, The
rhyme of Jessica.
OH whoa Jem liked hookers so
much.