I feel a little pervy right now.

It's a feeling not unlike the time I developed a crush on Jamie Bell, only to snap back to the reality that he was a prepubescent boy and I was an extremely post-pubescent cocktail of hormones.

Here's how I got to that state: On Sunday night, Lauren and I finished watching Alias and indulged in the usual afterglow, which consists largely of sitting on the couch and moaning.

My latest boy craving on Alias, though, is for evil sexy Sark. I can't quite fathom it � he's not traditionally hot, and there's always that "Sark is almost fabulous enough to be secretly gay" thing, but see, he has that accent. The accent does wonders. That, and the evil, and the hints at secret integrity� well, he's hot, and I hope he Googles his name so that he gets to my page and I can say, "Evil Sexy Sark Googled me the other day, and it was fabulous."

I do realize the actor, David Anders, isn't English, but I like to think that when we have our inevitable romp, our pillow talk ("Thank you for extracting me," he will say. "My God, you were brilliant with the artifact") will be heavily accented.

The name David Anders sounded vaguely familiar, so I hopped online -- in small part relishing being able to so casually hop onto something, anything � and looked him up on IMDb.

Born in 1981.

That's not much younger than me � he's just turned 22, and I'm 25 -- but simply seeing "1981" written in his bio gave me a slight shiver. It's kind of like the way a five-year age difference is creepy between an 18- and 13-year old, but not a 25- and 30-year old: Something about him being born in the 80s and me in the 70s made my crush feel really illicit.

And of course, it had to get worse, because that's how I operate. It's a bit of a digression, this chain of events, but bear with me.

Every time we surf IMDb, we try to go through the mental checklist of people or moves we've meant to look up on that site. Sunday, pathetically, that included the name of the little girl who plays Emma in Kindergarten Cop, which came on TBS after another movie we'd watched, and we accidentally left it on, but of course we didn't mean to, it just happened, but� come on, admit it, Arnold is kind of endearing in that movie, even though the five-year olds acted rings around him, and speaking of whom, the kids are really cute in that movie, so stop judging me, don't hate, and it's not my fault that I subscribe to People Magazine, right?

Ahem.

I looked up little Emma and realized exactly why I recognized her (she plays young Kimberly Williams in Father of the Bride, which, incidentally, is what we'd been watching when Kindergarten Cop came on, so really, it was something of a Little Actress Who Played Emma And Young Kimberly Movie Festival).

Then, I looked at the little girl's bio.

Born in 1984.

She's only three years younger than Sark. That little, all-I-want-for-Christmas-is-my-two-front-teeth girl, that thumb-sucking wonder who I will never see at any age over five, is only slightly the junior of evil sexy Sark.

Now, I don't care that I was fairly young myself when Kindergarten Cop came out. The fact is, those tots are immortalized as such in that flick (and let's ignore that I first just accidentally wrote, "immortalized as suck," because that was a total accident � I'm not that whopping a pervert� and yeah, I did just write "whipping" by mistake, what of it?), and so finding out that Sark is so close in age to that little girl who screams, "I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess," felt like pedophilia. Sark got younger by association. I wanted to sit back and imagine him frisking me for CIA bugs, and all I could imagine was the little boy who bolts upright and announces to Arnold, "Boys have penises, and girls have vaginas."

I can't make out with a guy who makes me think of a five-year old. Especially a five-year old who's talking about genitals.

You'll be pleased to know, though, that I found a way to rekindle the David Anders adoration. We're forging our way back from the abyss, and soon we'll be able to love again.

For David Anders � who, as it turns out, has not been in much of anything � does have one rather lovely part on his resume: Young Knute Rockne in Rockne: The Musical.

Okay, so it never made it further than preview performaces, and is probably permanently shelved, because no matter how great Notre Dame lore is, there's no need for it to be shared with the world through song. But the real coincidence here is: a) I went to Notre Dame, and b) a close friend of Lauren's family invested in that musical and helped produce it. You might know this man from his acting work as Dean Witter in those Dean Witter commercials, where Mr. Lauren's Family Friend says, "We measure success one investor at a time." Sure, he's done other stuff � movies, and the like � but I think we all know what his seminal work is.

Back to my point: David Anders has a random connection to Lauren and to Notre Dame, which means he's doubly connected to me. Which means, clearly, that we're supposed to meet.

And now our latent love can exist free of five-year olds, and full of tight football pants -- the way love is supposed to be.

Someone got here by searching for: I'm hung over Watching: An A&E Biography episode on Julia Louis-Dreyfus Huh? Has she really done enough to merit one of those? Well, that's what we wondered. The conclusion is that she hasn't, other than conquering the twin evils of baby fat and frizzy hair, which I guess makes her one of the real heroes in the eyes of A&E.